The Gospel's Bottom Line, a Valentine sermon

The bottom line in the Book of Ephesians is not theological in the classic sense of the word. Where does the mighty work God accomplished in Christ take us? What is the grand conclusion of Paul's gospel? Just this:

Chapter 5
22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives,
just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy,
cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,
27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church,
without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.
He who loves his wife loves himself.
29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church--
30 for we are members of his body.
31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."
32 This is a profound mystery--
but I am talking about Christ and the church.
33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself,
and the wife must respect her husband.
Chapter Six
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
2 "Honor your father and mother"--which is the first commandment with a promise-- 3 "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."
4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children;
instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
5 Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ.
6 Obey them not only to win their favor when their eye is on you, but like slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart.
7 Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, 8 because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free.
9 And masters, treat your slaves in the same way.
Do not threaten them, since you know that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no favoritism with him.

The punch line of Paul's preaching was a call to behavior conducive to harmonious domestic and civic relationships.

Frequently over the last 2000 years Christian theologians have gotten engrossed in Paul's theological/theoretical verbiage. There have fierce debates, even riots, over the precisely correct interpretation of Paul's words about predestination, the divine nature of Christ, the nature of the human will, the activity of the Spirit. There are ministries based on people's interpretations of Paul's cryptic language about authorities, rulers and spiritual forces in the heavenly realms. In Adventist circles people have lost their jobs because of “wrong” views of Paul's ideas about justification and sanctification.

It's all interesting stuff to a lot of people, but it seems to me to miss the point. All this stuff is preamble. It is not the punch line. It is not the bottom line. It is not the conclusion. And far too often people's obsession with this theoretical stuff blinds them to the truly significant elements of spiritual life. Those elements have to do supremely with harmonious relationships.

This interpretation of Paul is set up by the first two chapters of Genesis.

In Chapter One, Moses pictures creation as a week-long process that climaxes in the Sabbath—a day when nothing happens—that is nothing that can be written about. It is a honeymoon Sabbath and appropriately occurs behind a veil of privacy.

In Chapter Two, Moses pictures creation as a process of ordering the world around a man. Man is created first, then the plants—which need his care to thrive. Then the animals which need man's naming to achieve their full dignity. Then comes the climax. There is a grand reversal. Instead of man supplying the caretaking, he becomes aware of his own insuperable need—for companionship, for love. And God creates Eve and Moses explicitly ends the story with an affirmation of marriage.

The goal of creation is a community. Intimacy. Communion. Relationship. Family.

The purpose of the gospel, the goal of Jesus' mission on earth was to restore the divine vision of harmonious community. Working for wholeness in our relationships, helping others achieve happiness and peace in their relationships is the highest, most noble endeavor we can engage in.

With this as a background, I want to outline several principles that help facilitate happy, healthy relationships.

(Note: It's Valentines Day weekend and we have reached the section in Ephesians that deals with the relationships between husbands and wives. So this is a sermon about marriage. But as far as I can tell these principles are every bit as relevant in all kinds of friendships as they are in marriage.)


Principle One: God's purpose in creation was social connection, especially the intimacy of family. So our number one purpose as creatures is social connection. If we are married, our highest obligation is the cultivation of intimacy and harmony with our spouse.

Principle Two: Changing someone else is extremely difficult and highly unlikely. So, if I'm wise, most of my efforts to enhance the sweetness of my marriage or my friendships will focus on my contribution to the relationship. (Aiming to change someone else is usually evidence of my own lack of love.)

Principle Three: Love hopes for response, but love does not wait for a guarantee of a return on investment before taking action. Love risks rejection. God loves quite apart from our worthiness and even our response. Still he hopes for response. Jesus died SO THAT people would live forever.

Principle Four: The best thing I can do for happiness in relationships is to learn what warms their heart and then do it! Don't do for others what would make you happy. This means that often we can't do “what comes naturally” because our natural impulses are guided by our desires instead of the desires of the other. One example of this is the stereotypical differences between men and women which may not be universal and invariable, but they are real.

Principle Five: Obeying the rules—no adultery, harsh speech, disrespect, violence, neglect—is conducive to a good relationship. Breaking the rules can ruin your relationship.

Principle Six: Rules will ruin your relationships if you use them as a yardstick for measuring the performance of others.

Does my wife do enough submitting? If I'm asking the question, my heart, of course, is going to answer no, no matter what an objective observer would say. Does my husband demonstrate enough love and affection? Not if I'm asking the question. And since I'm asking the question in the light of a “divine rule,” it is a no-brainer to conclude that my spouse's “failure” is a moral fault.

When people complain about being neglected by the church, they are measuring the church by some yardstick. And often they are right. The church has failed. So where does the exercise of measuring the church leave them? Abandoned and alone.

It is often possible for the person who has been neglected to take action to enrich the relationship. They can request a visit. They can make a phone call. They can themselves seek out other church members who are even more isolated than they are. If they engage in these activities, they will experience increased sweetness and light. But as long as they hold up the yardstick and measure the quality of care they are receiving they will always see some shortcoming.

Finally coming to Paul's words about wives submitting and husbands loving. If we treat this passage as analogous to the Ten Commandments—as high moral principles independent of time and circumstance--we will end up with abuse. Domineering husbands (and other men) will tyrannize their wives (and usually their children as well) and cite the Bible to justify their wretched behavior. Even in homes where the men are not tyrants, women who are convinced it is their moral duty to submit will experience wrenching conflict between their religion and their mind. They will know, on occasion, that their husband is wrong, that he is proceeding in a direction that will harm him, their family and maybe others, but their religion compels them to cooperate in and condone behavior they know is ill-advised. God never wanted to put women in this kind of straight jacket.

If a husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church, sacrificing himself for her, and there are NO limits, no ifs, ands or buts, then there will be rare occasions where this kind of love will cause a husband to fail to protect the family from a crazy or evil wife. There are times when love is not enough (at least love in any but the coldest, toughest, tough-love sense.)

These words of Paul are not commandments. They are the words of a man who was not married, who on another occasion argued that women should keep silent in church. We routinely treat some of Paul's words as less than authoritative. We do best with these words to treat them as advice on seducing your spouse. If you want to do something to enrich your marriage consider whether submitting might do it. You've probably already tried yelling, nagging and manipulating. You'd like a sweeter, happier marriage. Try submitting. See if it awakens a response in your man that warms your own heart. (Of course, perhaps Paul and for sure Paul's fundamentalist devotees would be offended that we would merely "consider" his words and not necessarily obey them.)

If you want to improve your marriage, try loving, showing affection, consideration, thoughtfulness (or some other synonym for love). You've probably already tried a variety of other, ineffective ways of relating.

It is worse than pointless to try to enrich your marriage by telling the other person to submit or to love or to be sweeter or to be more thoughtful. You can't change the other person. Look for ways to connect with the person you are actually married to instead of dreaming about the person you could/should have married.

So try loving and submitting. Be careful not to demand that someone else love or submit.

Rather than imagining that Paul in the two words--submit and love--has given us a comprehensive and inflexible rule for marriage, we ought to recognize this section for what it is--an illustration of the meaning of Paul's theology. God has been gracious to us. We ought to be gracious to one another. God has done "whatever it took" to save us and is actively seeking our hearts. So we should do whatever it takes to save our marriages and friendships and actively seek to put sweetness and joy into the lives of people close to us.

Rather than slavishly obsessing on the words "submit" and "love" we ought to creatively pursue every avenue of building intimacy and harmony.

Fathers, don't exasperate your children. Don't be jerks. Don't promise and break your promises. If you lose your temper, apologize. If you lose it often, get help.

Bosses, treat your employees with respect. Employees, give your boss the kind of service you'd give if Jesus was the boss.

To all who consider themselves knowledgeable regarding Christian theology: Don't waste your breath spouting your theology unless your wife, your kids, your friends testify to the sweetness you add to their lives.